Despair = suffering - meaning

Why is it that the same situation can bring about learning and growth for one person, while for another it leads to depression?

I recently came across Chip Conley's excellent book 'Emotional Equations' and was struck by the simplicity and power of his first equation:

Despair = Suffering - Meaning.
It gives a practical way to think about events in our life and how we react to them.

The amount of suffering we experience may be partially within our control.  Maybe.  We can carefully choose the places we go, the things we do, the people we spend time with.  But much of the life that we experience is difficult if not impossible to determine in advance with any certainty (even if we decided we wanted to!).

On the other hand, applying meaning is definitely something we can do.  And a skill we can get better at.  So we can directly reduce our feelings of despair not  by trying to control everything and avoid anything that may cause pain, but by giving some meaning to what happens.

This is a central theme of Viktor Frankl's book 'Man's Search for Meaning: The classic tribute to Hope from the Holocaust'.  A psychiatrist from Vienna before the war, he describes his observations and his personal reactions to living through a Nazi concentration camp during WWII.  Similar to Nelson Mandela's observations in his book 'Long Walk to Freedom', Frankl saw through many painful examples that personal suffering was a result of inner decisions people make, and that everything can be taken away from us except our ability to choose our attitude.

If you haven't read Dr Frankl's book, give it a go.  It's an inspiring read.

Anyone not heard the increasingly gloomy stats on depression?  The media often publicises its strengthening hold on us, despite rises in our standard of living.  How can it be that while society's outwards indicators of success are rising, the mental health of many people is suffering?

Perhaps we are focusing on the wrong things.  Focusing on the suffering and trying to reduce it, rather than looking to increase the meaning we derive from life's challenges.

How clear are you on your life's purpose?  What do you do, on a regular basis, to take you towards your goals?  What's important to you, what are your values?  Having answers to these questions helps us to build meaning across our lives.

When something it tough, yet important to you, doesn't any pain associated with it become less relevant?  Even though it may be just as acute?

My eldest son, Matt, is a gymnast.  I watch him go through considerable physical pain in his quest to perfect his sport.  Does he cry?  Sometimes.  Often in frustration at not getting it quite right.  Does it cause him despair?  No.  He knows why he is going through the physical discomfort - which can be extreme at times as he learns new skills - and has his eye on the horizon.  His 'suffering' has a reason.  It isn't debilitating to him.  He has attached a meaning to it.

And what about childbirth?  Some even go into the experience a second of third time, knowing what they are up for.  Bringing the suffering down a few notches, what about changing a dirty nappy?  Does it make a difference when it is your own child?

When we are clear on why something is important, the suffering has context.  It doesn't necessarily lessen or go away, but nor does it lead us to despair.  In some cases, it can spur us on.  When the going is tough and the meaning is eluding us, just knowing that the pain is building resilience might do (assuming that you value personal growth).

Developing meaning is like building a muscle.  First, you need to want to.  Then you need to take action.  Over time, it becomes a habit.

I think we have been investing our energy in the wrong direction when trying to shield ourselves, our kids and our society from pain.  I'm not advocating removing sensible safe-guards, but I believe it is better to accept that there will be tricky times in life and develop skills and strategies to flourish through adversity.  To build coping strategies.  With kids, it can be in the questions you ask.  Through our questions we can help our children to discover meaning for themselves and thus help them develop resilience.

That's my two-penneth for the moment.  What do you think?

How well do you know your Brain Filters?

What do we filter out and what do we let through?

There is an extraordinary amount of input coming at us from the environment at any given moment.  
We don't have the capacity to pay attention to all of it.  And if we did it would drive us mad!  

So our brain filters come into play, to keep us sane.
They delete, distort and generalise information in order to show us the important bits that we need to be aware of, while getting rid of other bits to keep overwhelm at bay.

Why contemplate a decision again and again when we have already gone through the process and found a useful answer?  Our brain filters help us apply this 'answer' again and again, without the need for conscious intervention.

An excellent time-saver and hugely valuable!  That is, until the game has changes.

"Say NO to invitations to speak in public because you get tough-tied, embarrassed and feel bad" may be a good decision filter for a young person with a fragile self-image.  How useful is it when that person is 30 and in order to get that sought-after promotion they need to give presentations and chair meetings?  Saying 'YES' and getting some practice may be a better choice.

The more aware we are of our brain filters, the more we can check out whether they are doing a good job for us, or need some adjustment.  Attitudes and beliefs, values, past decisions, memories.  They all have an impact on how we feel about what we are experiencing, and the action we take as a result.  Are you running your filters, or are they running you?

The great news is that although filters are often unconscious, we can increase our awareness of them and ultimately we can change them.

Going through a structured process to examine your thinking can have a dramatic impact on your future results.  How often do you reflect on your thinking and whether it is, in fact, taking you towards your dreams?

Our brain filters have been built up over time.  Some may support us.  Some may not.  And in looking at them objectively we are able to decide whether they take us in the direction of our goals.  [All of this does presuppose that you have an idea where you want to head in your life ... this not 'a given' for many people, but it's also not hard.  And it increases your likelihood of getting there.  Just ask Alice!]

An interesting phenomena is the 'delete' filter in reverse, the 'reticular activating system' or 'RAS'.

Have you ever noticed that once you become aware of something, for whatever reason, you tend to experience more of it?  Take buying a car, for example.  Imagine you decide on a certain car because it looks good.  You've only seen a few on the road and it seems pretty exclusive.  That is, until you seriously consider buying it ...  Even before you pick it up the road is suddenly flooded with them - and mostly in the same colour as yours.

What's happening?  Are there really more of these cars on the road?  No - it is your RAS picking them up and it works like this:

Once you tell yourself that something is important, the RAS adjusts the deletion mechanism to include the thing you have defined.  So it does the opposite of 'delete' and highlights every occurrence.  The conversation you hear across the room about a great resort in Vietnam, just after you've decided to go there for a holiday.  A piece of 'junk mail' giving you details of a cooking course at the Fish Markets when you have just decided to perfect cooking Chilli Mud Crab.  Before, there was no reason to notice this particular car, or the quiet conversation across the room, or the flyer from the Fish Markets.  Now there is.

Imagine how well this can help us in achieving our goals.  Imagine trying to capitalise on the value of the RAS without any goals??  Interesting.

If you have noticed your RAS in action I'd love to hear about your experiences.

Parlez-vous Francais - why would you bother?

They say that French is the language of love.  
Why is this?  Is there any truth in it?  
Is it just that the accent sounds sexy, or is there more to it?

French - the vibrant and sexy 'language of love'?

Language is something that sits as one of our array of brain filters.  A lens through which we experience the world.  And it is pretty unconscious for those of us who only speak our mother tongue.  Isn't language 'just the way the world is'?  Apparently there is more to it.

Ask someone who speaks a different language fluently about their experiences and you will most probably find that they experience the world quite differently when they 'view' it from a different language.

For example, Sami people of polar Europe have hundreds of words for 'snow'.  Which means that their experience of snow is different from the person who has English as their first language who may only have one word.  This is also different to the experience of an expert skier who may have five words for snow. So if all three were to view the same icy scene, they would actually 'see' something different due to their language filter.

The basic English speaker would not be able to distinguish the nuances which would be obvious to the Sami folk.  To her they would appear identical.

If we understood 'Penguin', how many words for 'snow' might they have?

There are six ways to say 'sorry' in Japanese.  Hmmmm.

And the Penan people of Sarawak have one word for 'he, she, it' and six words for 'we'.  What impact do you think this language filter has on their map of the world, their behaviour, and the results they achieve?  In what ways do you think it affects Penan society?

I have a friend who is fluent in both French and English, who says that her experience of food is quite different in French.  When she discusses food in French she is able to find richer descriptions and more elaborate gastronomic terms that increase her enjoyment.  And for her, sharing a meal with friends 'in French' also tends to enhance the flavour - no matter what type of cuisine is represented on the plate.  Sadly, she declined to comment on her more intimate experiences ... but smiled lots!

So learning the local language not only helps us ask for directions and order a coffee, but it gives us a window into the thinking and perspective of people from different parts of our amazing planet.

How cool!

If you speak more than one language, I would be incredibly interested to hear your thoughts on this - and more particularly your experiences.