Self-talk. How useful is yours?

The Majestic Kokoda Track

The Kokoda Track.  
Iconic, wild, physically challenging, emotionally tough.

Some years ago I was lucky enough to spend time taking people to PNG, on leadership experiences; working with them to test themselves against the backdrop of mud, mountains, rain, leeches, going steeply up and coming steeply down.  Never a breeze.  Never 'ho hum'.

Who would be the people to get through pretty easily?  The young and the fit?  You might think so.  But there is another dynamic happening when we do something that is really tough.

Having watched many people tackle this challenge, it was clear that everyone finds it hard.  Talking to them as they go along they disclose fear, self-doubt, physical and emotional pain - in varying amounts, at different times.  But from the outside, what can you see?

Usually, a pretty nondescript expression, or a weak smile.  And to the outside untrained eye, this often translates to 'I'm ok'.  So while the person is tackling their inner demons and may be screaming in anguish on the inside, all their travelling companions see is 'I'm fine'.

What do they do with this interpretation?

Do you use this strategy?

Often they compare it to how they are feeling themselves, and the demons they are working to overcome.  Not surprisingly, this often makes them feel worse.  So the fit and healthy person, doing it tough, observes the heavy smoker who is carrying more than a little extra weight, looking 'fresh as a daisy'.  And it can really mess with their thinking.

"How can I be in trouble here?"  "How can he be doing it so easy?"  "This is too tough for me."  "Wow - I might not be able to cope!"  "What am I going to do?"

The other guy, who by all accounts really should be struggling, is still moving forwards.  One foot in front of the other.  He is still looking calm.  How is he doing it so easy?

Well, he's not.  You can't see someone else's thinking, you can only see what is visible.  He is most likely fighting with his thinking at every step.  But this is a personal conversation which doesn't show on his face.  It is all taking place within his self-talk.

We're all in on-going conversations with ourselves that affect how we think and feel on a moment by moment basis.  It's an extremely important conversation that contributes to how we decide what we are capable of and where we might invest our energies.  On the Track, it was potent.

How conscious are you about yours?

Are you interested, encouraging and useful in your self-talk?  Self-critical, judgemental, harsh?  Do you continually judge yourself against your perception of others?  If so, are you even conscious that your interpretation may be false (as in the Kokoda example of 'everyone else is doing ok while I am dying').  Are you supportive?  Damaging?  Somewhere in between?  Never really thought about it?

Our self-talk is sometimes called 'the inner critic' for good reason ... because often that is exactly what it is doing.  Criticising.

The good news is that self-talk is just another habit.  And with practice we can change it.

Try this:  Test out your perceptions to get a more accurate evaluation.  If you aren't feeling resourceful, can you find more useful things to focus on?  Bring to mind examples of success to lift your confidence.  In the jungle, you can look around you for the awe rather than focusing on the mud.  Some people forget that what you focus on is your choice.

Kokoda is an amazing place.  As well as the mud, it is also a place of laughter, friendship, wonder, inspiration, reflection, self-understanding, satisfaction, exhilaration.  The good old belly laugh and the amazing sense of pride from finding something that just couldn't be done, and doing it anyway.  An experience to last a lifetime.

Who cares what you think?

Hmmmmm ... ??

You should!  In our fast-paced lives, personal reflection is a luxury that many of us just don't get to enjoy on a regular basis.  

When did you last think about your life, your work, your relationships, your health habits, your finances, in anything but a reactive manner?  Especially if you are juggling, multi-tasking, holding down 2 jobs, over-achieving, just trying to cope or striving for more.


Thinking drives action.  Action drives results.  Is your thinking getting you the things you want in your life?  If not, what could you do differently?  What you think really does matter.

The more people you influence
- work teams, business units, entire organisations, colleagues, friends, family, children, sports teams, social groups ... you get the idea -
the bigger the impact your thinking, your attitude and your behaviour have in the world.  Why would others want to follow your lead?  More importantly, why would you?  Are you leading anywhere interesting - for you or anyone else?

All great leadership starts with self-awareness and self-leadership.  What are you doing on a daily basis to be the very best you can be?  How are you getting clearer on your thinking?  How are you continuing to build your skills?

Try this: find a time each day for a week where you can think, and not be interrupted.  If you haven't done this for a while (or at all) start small.  Just 5 minutes will do.  When you first get to work, perhaps?  Or when you get in having dropped the kids at school?  Immediately before eating lunch?  The timing isn't important, you just need to do it every day for a week.

Consider this question - 'what's most important to me, and why?'  Just ruminate on the question while you sit quietly.  After the 5 minutes are up, jot down your thoughts.  Then put them to one side and don't look at them again until the end of the week.  [The idea is to have different thoughts each day, rather than prompt yourself to reconsider the ones you had yesterday by re-reading your notes :) ]

When the week is up, go back and read your entire collection of thoughts.  Are you getting clearer?  Or is the exercise bringing up more questions?  What picture is starting to form?  What initial action does it prompt?

After a week, feel free to keep the daily 5 minutes for mindful reflection.  And if you're lucky, with time, it just might become a habit.