What CAN you control?

We've seen that the 'stuff that happens out there' can be positive (last post).  What about the negative stuff?

Many elements of our environment are beyond our control.  Things don't always necessarily happen for the best and sometimes we experience negative feelings.  This is part of the human experience.  The question is, what can we do about it?

Before getting into our perceptions and brain filters (coming!), let's spend this post on the things 'out there' that we can control.

Consider a gentleman I met some time ago, who talked about a group of school friends he used to regularly catch up with.  They came through the school system together, remained tight as they started work, and caught up often, usually around sport and alcohol.  He knew their families, he knew their girlfriends/wives, and over the years he spent a great deal of time with them.

From a superficial glance, you might think that it would be great to have such a tight bunch of friends.  Sadly, it was not a positive experience for him.

To this group, he was known as 'Hippo'.  Having struggled with his weight through school and since, this name conjured up bad images for him.  Although he never liked it (and they knew it) he laughed it off as 'just a bit of fun' or a 'term of endearment'.  But it took some effort.

One of the most hurtful aspects of the relationship for him was that they laughed and put down his ideas, his dreams, and even his girlfriends.  If he commented on this it meant he 'couldn't take a joke', or he 'didn't have a sense of humour', and he risked the wrath of the group.  And surely it was all in good fun.  Wasn't it?  So over time he shared less and less of the things that mattered most to him.  He was a smart and sociable guy, and he continued to fix a smile on his face when he was with this group, and to laugh it all off.  But it came at a considerable price.

So why did he continue to see them for many years?  Good question.  He didn't really know.  It was a habit.  Some loyalty to the past, perhaps?  They were his 'mates' after all, and it was what he did.  But being around them never made him feel good.  In fact, worse than that, it made him feel terrible!

Once he was prompted to think about his 'environmental influences', and acknowledge that he could consciously choose his friends, he decided to find some news ones - people who shared similar interests, lived nearby, talked about things that interested him, were encouraging about his ideas.  In short, people who shared a similar notion of 'friendship'.  And over time, he found that he 'just couldn't make it' to the footy games and the drinking nights.

And with these changes his general level of happiness increased.

Try this:

Think about the places you go and the people you mix with.  Are you spending your time with the people you love?  Do they support and encourage the best from you?  Do they challenge and stretch you?  Are they positive influences in your life?  If so, keep them close, treat them well and let them know how important they are to you.

Sometimes relationships pass their 'use by' date.  Sometimes having a courageous conversation about your experience can shift things.  Sometimes it is better to part company.  Remember that you have a choice in where you invest your time and energy and who you regularly interact with.

And what about you?  How would others describe the influence you exert on their day?  Do you lift their spirits?  Is their day better for having spent time with you?  Or are you quick to criticise and point out their flaws?

You can also choose the impact you have on other people, which can have wide-reaching consequences.  Image working for someone who is supportive and encouraging.  What is the likely impact on your performance?  Your level of interest and engagement?  What about the flow-on effect when you get home?  Maybe you are one of these highly valued leaders who lights a torch in the darkness and takes people to a better future.  If not yet, how could you be?