Self-talk. How useful is yours?

The Majestic Kokoda Track

The Kokoda Track.  
Iconic, wild, physically challenging, emotionally tough.

Some years ago I was lucky enough to spend time taking people to PNG, on leadership experiences; working with them to test themselves against the backdrop of mud, mountains, rain, leeches, going steeply up and coming steeply down.  Never a breeze.  Never 'ho hum'.

Who would be the people to get through pretty easily?  The young and the fit?  You might think so.  But there is another dynamic happening when we do something that is really tough.

Having watched many people tackle this challenge, it was clear that everyone finds it hard.  Talking to them as they go along they disclose fear, self-doubt, physical and emotional pain - in varying amounts, at different times.  But from the outside, what can you see?

Usually, a pretty nondescript expression, or a weak smile.  And to the outside untrained eye, this often translates to 'I'm ok'.  So while the person is tackling their inner demons and may be screaming in anguish on the inside, all their travelling companions see is 'I'm fine'.

What do they do with this interpretation?

Do you use this strategy?

Often they compare it to how they are feeling themselves, and the demons they are working to overcome.  Not surprisingly, this often makes them feel worse.  So the fit and healthy person, doing it tough, observes the heavy smoker who is carrying more than a little extra weight, looking 'fresh as a daisy'.  And it can really mess with their thinking.

"How can I be in trouble here?"  "How can he be doing it so easy?"  "This is too tough for me."  "Wow - I might not be able to cope!"  "What am I going to do?"

The other guy, who by all accounts really should be struggling, is still moving forwards.  One foot in front of the other.  He is still looking calm.  How is he doing it so easy?

Well, he's not.  You can't see someone else's thinking, you can only see what is visible.  He is most likely fighting with his thinking at every step.  But this is a personal conversation which doesn't show on his face.  It is all taking place within his self-talk.

We're all in on-going conversations with ourselves that affect how we think and feel on a moment by moment basis.  It's an extremely important conversation that contributes to how we decide what we are capable of and where we might invest our energies.  On the Track, it was potent.

How conscious are you about yours?

Are you interested, encouraging and useful in your self-talk?  Self-critical, judgemental, harsh?  Do you continually judge yourself against your perception of others?  If so, are you even conscious that your interpretation may be false (as in the Kokoda example of 'everyone else is doing ok while I am dying').  Are you supportive?  Damaging?  Somewhere in between?  Never really thought about it?

Our self-talk is sometimes called 'the inner critic' for good reason ... because often that is exactly what it is doing.  Criticising.

The good news is that self-talk is just another habit.  And with practice we can change it.

Try this:  Test out your perceptions to get a more accurate evaluation.  If you aren't feeling resourceful, can you find more useful things to focus on?  Bring to mind examples of success to lift your confidence.  In the jungle, you can look around you for the awe rather than focusing on the mud.  Some people forget that what you focus on is your choice.

Kokoda is an amazing place.  As well as the mud, it is also a place of laughter, friendship, wonder, inspiration, reflection, self-understanding, satisfaction, exhilaration.  The good old belly laugh and the amazing sense of pride from finding something that just couldn't be done, and doing it anyway.  An experience to last a lifetime.

If people really are your greatest asset ...

what are you doing about it? Are you continuing to build their skills, and your own?

Anyone remember the days when we had training on how to use Word?  Or Excel?  Or just about any piece of software, actually?  Now we just expect people to be computer literate.  Or to learn in their own time.  And we also expect them to know how to be 'good at work'.

Not just good at the technical parts of their job, but also good at getting things done.

As people progress in their career, they are often given increased responsibility.  It may be a new project.  Implementing a change.  Leading a team in a new direction.  In many cases it spreads to include the performance of other people too.  Perhaps you are required to run meetings.  Speak at conferences.  Have high-stakes conversations.  Develop staff.  These are not innate skills for many of us.  Often we need not only the new skills, but the personal confidence to use them effectively.  Often both need to be learned.

So what exactly are these skills that we need to keep developing, to be 'good at work'?

For a start, it's about being engaged.  Motivating yourself and those around you.  It is about getting the job done well for your own reasons, rather than because someone is wielding a stick.  It's the cliche of 'going the extra mile'.  Taking personal responsibility.  It's the stuff of collaboration, communicating well, influencing, delivering on high priorities ... consistently.  Setting goals effectively, so they are achieved.  Visualising and communicating success so you build positive momentum to reach your targets.  Confidence, passion, humility, focus, inspiration, trustworthiness.  They can be lumped together as: Performance skills.  And they can be learned and developed.

At it's core, performance is about self-leadership and personal effectiveness, irrespective of the title on the business card or the organisational rung.  Sometimes these skills are called the 'soft skills' (though there's nothing 'soft' about better customer relationships, project success through collaboration, sky-rocketing team performance, increased sales, low turnover and absenteeism ... the list goes on ...).

'Soft' is a misnomer.  Exhibiting 'soft skills' may mean making the hardest calls of all.

Let's take the often misunderstood area of 'emotional intelligence' as an example.  This isn't about being 'emotional' or 'nurturing' or 'kind'.  Or getting in touch with your feminine side.  It is about understanding ourselves and what is driving us (and others), so that we can respond appropriately to what is happening, rather than react in a knee-jerk fashion to how we are feeling.  We may decide to respond strongly and passionately because that will yield the best results.  Or pause to provide space for others to give their views.  Or take a long, slow, deep breath.  Literally.  The EI difference is that rather than being run by our emotions in the moment (like anger, sadness, frustration, overwhelm ...) we notice them, understand them, and then take the most useful action, consciously, in order to achieve the best outcome.

If you are interested in building this array of skills - for yourself, your team, your business - we'd love to talk with you.

• Are you trying to re-shape your culture?  
• Implement some important changes?  
• Develop useful mindsets to stay competitive?
• Support your people to achieve in a demanding environment, as their workload soars?  
• Upskill to increase innovation and creativity?  
• Build goal-achievement as a key competency?
• Prepare key staff for succession? 
• Get out of a rut: re-energise, re-invigorate and set a compelling direction? 

... If so, it's soft skills you need.

At HMP, this is our specialty.  Not just theory so you can say 'yep, that makes sense, I understand', or 'yes, I agree that's important', but the step-by-step 'how' so that you can actually do it.  It is practical.  The guided reflection, the planning, the skill-building, the feedback, the support, the encouragement.  The back-up of academic research to keep the analytical part of our brain tuned in.  The regular space to actually develop skills, habits and new ways of thinking in order to become proficient.

Success is not just about what you do (although action is critical).  To be sustainable, it's also about what you think and who you are.

We loved the recent McKinsey Quarterly paper, "How centred leaders achieve extraordinary results".  It sets out 5 dimensions the researchers found were strongly linked to business performance.  Interestingly, each of the 5 dimensions - Meaning, Engaging, Connecting, Positive framing and Managing energy - is addressed in our 'Action on Purpose' program.  Yes, we also think they're important.  And we show you how to build them for yourself, so they work in your specific context.

As we have mentioned in previous posts, our action is driven by our thinking and our self-concept.  Both can be dusted off and given a shine.

Learning effective thinking strategies helps us take consistent action towards business success.  And towards our personal dreams.  Many useful bite-sized strategies will be posted in this blog - so why not enter your email address in the sidebar, so that we can let you know whenever there is a new post.

For a face-to-face personal experience, plus individual coaching, come along to a workshop (see side panel for places and dates).  It will accelerate your results, and we'd love to meet you in person.

To get started, try this:
Are you living in the place where you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work, on purpose?
Ponder this question.  What does this look like, for you?  For your business?  Do you have a clear and compelling picture?

Is your current behaviour - on a daily basis - taking you towards this vision of what you want, or further away?  Is there anything you need to change?

Sit quietly with a pad of paper.  An inspirational setting works particularly well.  Or a comfy arm chair.  Somewhere you feel relaxed and have space to think.  Then start writing, or drawing, or both.  Coloured pens work well.  Have fun with it!  The clearer you are on what you want, the easier it is to move towards it.

What CAN you control?

We've seen that the 'stuff that happens out there' can be positive (last post).  What about the negative stuff?

Many elements of our environment are beyond our control.  Things don't always necessarily happen for the best and sometimes we experience negative feelings.  This is part of the human experience.  The question is, what can we do about it?

Before getting into our perceptions and brain filters (coming!), let's spend this post on the things 'out there' that we can control.

Consider a gentleman I met some time ago, who talked about a group of school friends he used to regularly catch up with.  They came through the school system together, remained tight as they started work, and caught up often, usually around sport and alcohol.  He knew their families, he knew their girlfriends/wives, and over the years he spent a great deal of time with them.

From a superficial glance, you might think that it would be great to have such a tight bunch of friends.  Sadly, it was not a positive experience for him.

To this group, he was known as 'Hippo'.  Having struggled with his weight through school and since, this name conjured up bad images for him.  Although he never liked it (and they knew it) he laughed it off as 'just a bit of fun' or a 'term of endearment'.  But it took some effort.

One of the most hurtful aspects of the relationship for him was that they laughed and put down his ideas, his dreams, and even his girlfriends.  If he commented on this it meant he 'couldn't take a joke', or he 'didn't have a sense of humour', and he risked the wrath of the group.  And surely it was all in good fun.  Wasn't it?  So over time he shared less and less of the things that mattered most to him.  He was a smart and sociable guy, and he continued to fix a smile on his face when he was with this group, and to laugh it all off.  But it came at a considerable price.

So why did he continue to see them for many years?  Good question.  He didn't really know.  It was a habit.  Some loyalty to the past, perhaps?  They were his 'mates' after all, and it was what he did.  But being around them never made him feel good.  In fact, worse than that, it made him feel terrible!

Once he was prompted to think about his 'environmental influences', and acknowledge that he could consciously choose his friends, he decided to find some news ones - people who shared similar interests, lived nearby, talked about things that interested him, were encouraging about his ideas.  In short, people who shared a similar notion of 'friendship'.  And over time, he found that he 'just couldn't make it' to the footy games and the drinking nights.

And with these changes his general level of happiness increased.

Try this:

Think about the places you go and the people you mix with.  Are you spending your time with the people you love?  Do they support and encourage the best from you?  Do they challenge and stretch you?  Are they positive influences in your life?  If so, keep them close, treat them well and let them know how important they are to you.

Sometimes relationships pass their 'use by' date.  Sometimes having a courageous conversation about your experience can shift things.  Sometimes it is better to part company.  Remember that you have a choice in where you invest your time and energy and who you regularly interact with.

And what about you?  How would others describe the influence you exert on their day?  Do you lift their spirits?  Is their day better for having spent time with you?  Or are you quick to criticise and point out their flaws?

You can also choose the impact you have on other people, which can have wide-reaching consequences.  Image working for someone who is supportive and encouraging.  What is the likely impact on your performance?  Your level of interest and engagement?  What about the flow-on effect when you get home?  Maybe you are one of these highly valued leaders who lights a torch in the darkness and takes people to a better future.  If not yet, how could you be?

Is it all in the mind?

Our reality, whether we are happy, sad, amused, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, whatever ... is derived from the way the 'stuff happening out there' interacts with our brain filters.

So it's not 'all in the mind', but the mind does play a staring role.

In psych-speak: we co-create our reality through a combination of external events and internal interpretations.

This is the start of the 'Pathway to Results', mentioned way back in the very first post, and we'll spend the next few posts breaking the pathway down to see where we can make useful adjustments for better outcomes.  There are many ways we can adjust our various brain filters, but we'll begin by considering the environmental influences, or the 'stuff happening out there'.

Every day we are exposed to a vast amount of input, which hits all our senses and affects our internal processes.  It builds, adjusts and passes through our brain filters to create our reality.  And it has been doing this throughout our life.

Try this:
Think about the environmental influences in your personal history and how they have affected you.

They may include your parents, extended family, school teachers, friends, colleagues, books, magazines, papers you've read, things you've listened to, TV shows, movies, groups you've belonged to, courses or seminars you've attended, the culture where you grew up, and the list goes on ...

What has influenced you in a positive way?  Which inputs bring a smile to your face?

[If this exercise brings certain people or events to mind, you might want to provide some positive feedback to those involved.]

If you want to positively impact your experience, the 'stuff happening out there' is a good place to start.  Consider what 4 specific actions you can take to bring in more positive environmental influences over the coming weeks.  I'd be interested to hear how you go.  You may find it really easy.

When is a "quick fix" not so quick?

When it doesn't actually work!  
"5 simple keys to transform your life."  "7 secrets to wealth beyond your dreams."  Quick grabs. Tweets.  Sound bites.  
Give it to me now.  To even say 'instant gratification' just takes too long.  We're already bored.

We all know that if you eat cream cakes, doughnuts and fried food every day you can't simply apply 'firming lotion' to your thighs and expect the cellulite to disappear.  So how do products with similarly amazing promises disappear off the high-end shelves at such speed?  Often the more expensive, the quicker.

What is going on?

In our hearts we know that we need to eat healthy food, drink lots of water, exercise and get a good night's sleep - regularly - to have the health and vitality of our dreams.  The thing is that the 'quick fix' is so compelling.  We just want to believe in it.  And if it is really expensive, surely it must work?

What about the vibrating belt that exercises for you while you sit on the sofa and watch TV?  Really?

Dr Tal Ben-Shahar, one of the great thinkers and practical teachers in the positive psychology field, acknowledges that our belief in a successful outcome and our passion or desire to get it are two of the most important elements in our success.

The third element, however, is not so sexy.  It is ... wait for it ... (drum roll) .........
persistence.
Yes, that old chestnut: good, plain hard work.  Putting in the hard yards.  Dooopppphhhhhh!!

So the next time you reach for the 'cellulite reduction cream' or the vibrating exercise belt - or some other 'quick fix', think about it and make a conscious choice.  Is it going to support you in the longer term (in which case, go for your life and tell the world), or do you really need to develop some better thinking and some more useful habits?